יום רביעי, יוני 22, 2005

From Susi מאת סוזי

Dearest love,

Almost two months have flowed through my heart since your passing, Today I was listening to some cheesy music on the radio while I was driving and could only imagine that you were beside me, making the same stressed out faces I was while singing such a song. For all the day, that moment created a sense of peace and a splinter of happiness.

I'd like to believe you show up in the oddest place. Perhaps my dreams are not only my subconscious, but also yourself manipulating the conversation in such dreams.

This morning was quite trying. I waited for my mother to leave the house so I could finally wail about the pain inside and let it out. The ache in the right side of my heart is still there. The same ache that was created the minute I found out from Nadav that you were dead. His words are on permanent replay in the back of my mind. I really thought I wouldn't make it through these days without you, but I did. Most of the time I am just pleased that the day finally ended and I can go to bed…. Days pass and pass. Empty days.

I had a dream where I knew you were dead and I convinced myself you weren't. My naive ness made everything better and I got through the dream. After I woke up thought about the dream and really wish I could emulate the dream.

I want to live the innocence of loving you, in a world where tragedies don't happen to the Tsiki and Susi's of the world. Where we live the dream of being together and have our future. I want and will it so much some mornings I wail like this one.

Time passes as I miss my father, a man of my past and you, the man of my future. I am trying to see the beauty in the days,…of the sky, of my friends… but it's such an effort sometimes. I keep myself busy with working and reading but the pain is still there, I don't doubt it has made a home in my heart. My tears still flow but I am getting better and better for saving them for a silent evening alone, where no one sees my pain. I think about you still, every moment. You have always had my up most attention I don't know why it would change now. I miss you Tsiki, I cry for you and yearn to be with you, I don't understand why chance would be such a big player in our lives but it was. How we could live parallel lives for only a year, to have been a piece every second of every moment for each other and because of each other and then, cut so short.

It was chance to meet my soul mate, and chance that you left us. We were soul mates- weren't we? And since you've been gone, I have been trying to figure out if a part of my soul died with you or if a part of your soul is with me perhaps both. Either way I wish I could have it all back. I have to find a new sense of self without you. It hurts to know this was beyond anyone's control, that whatever force was played at that moment it took away something grand.
I love you,

Susi

תגובה 1:

ladydaria אמר/ה...

Mulder,

Hi, it's Dariana from tblog! This is my first visit to your beautiful tribute to your brother. I am so sad for your loss but so touched by the expression of love you obviously felt for him. May you find peace in your writings.